Good morning everyone! The AudioVillains are back with another awesome episode! As always we practice the 3 A’s of podcasting: Adult Content, Adult Language and Awesomeness! In this episode, Ed and I chat about how kids can make you melt in their hands, burning (insulting) the cast of Friends and much more! This is also a pre-show to Ed heading out to Chicago to see Joe Rogan do stand-up. From what I hear it was an excellent show and he now has an official AudioVillains t-shirt. A special thanks goes out to Seth of Threadsy Tee. You did amazing work as usual and I recommend that everyone check out his work and like his Facebook page! As always you can email the show at email@example.com
Episode topics –
- Fooled by our kids
- Burning the cast of Friends
- Heart attack or indigestion
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By Ricardo — 6 years ago
Everyone has a fear of something. Some people fear water, some fear flying, some fear clowns (i don’t like them), and some fear spiders. Now, I’m not exactly afraid of spiders but if they catch me off guard you better believe I’m going to destroy it. This story is from several years ago when I lived in Florida. For some reason the insects and creepy crawlies are huge over there! I’m not kidding here. They seem to be mutated or something. It’s no wonder the elderly flee to Florida. Whatever is in the water it helps the elderly live for many years and the insects and such grow large enough to really scare the shit out of someone.
So several years ago my now wife and I were getting ready for bed and I went to use the bathroom. I did my business and sat in deep thought. As I sat thinking about whatever the hell it was I was thinking about, I saw something move to the left of me. When I turned I saw a huge ass wolf spider. This thing was pissed for some reason and I only say this because of how it looked. Do you remember Thing from the Addams Family? If not, it was the freaky hand that was always moving around and causing havoc. The spider moved up and down like Thing and as if it was prepping itself to jump. I stared at it for a moment and then jumped up and ran my ass out of the bathroom. Um…oh yeah and if you’re wondering, I did wipe so quit thinking about it. Anyway, I was freaked out over the huge ass spider so I went to get some reinforcements.
During that time I had a calico cat named “Lico”. I figured that if anyone could destroy it, and it be fun to watch, it would be Lico. I picked up my cat and went to the doorway of the bathroom. Lico immediately spotted the spider and was hissing at it. I let her go and she jumped toward it. I swear to all that is holy that this spider was the Neo of spiders. As Lico made her jump the spider jumped out of the way. I saw this shit in slow motion and my jaw dropped. Lico’s ass fell into the tub and hissed but ran right out of the bathroom. I stared at the spider and it stared back. It took off but was on the wall climbing up and toward me. I knew it was pissed and I split to get something to destroy it with. Out of everything I could have used my dumb ass decided to put two tube socks together and stretch it out so that it would have a ball at the end and I could swing it around like a Mace.
I went back to the bathroom and looked around but I couldn’t see it. I looked up and there it was chilling over the doorway. I about pooed myself and began swinging wildly. After several hits I figured I got it but when I looked in the spider had moved and fled into a vent that had been left open. I couldn’t breathe, mostly because I have asthma and the battle winded me, but I felt that I made my point and maybe it would stay gone. A week later the jerk showed it’s face again! I was sitting on my brothers bed watching the Simpsons when I felt something brush up against my hand. I looked down and there it was next to me. I freaked out and before it could jump I punched the shit out of it. It exploded when my fist made contact and its insides splattered me. I won and I was happy as hell but then I thought,
“Damn! What if this poor fool was just trying to say hello? Salutations or some crap like that?”
Oh well, it was not Charlotte so I handled it. In the end it was smart and fast but not fast enough. Let this be a warning to all of you wolf spiders who might be reading this entry. Don’t mess with me! I’m a Mexican, not a Mexican’t!Post Views: 30
By Ricardo — 5 years ago
Good evening! Last week was rather busy with my root canal, 22 hour drive to Florida and graduation. I’m very happy to say that my family and I made it through everything with no problems, but last weeks episode had to be postponed. I’m still on vacation in Florida and just yesterday I had the privilege of attending the 4th Annual Mini-C conference in Boca Raton. I was initially invited by Tom of The Cool Kids of 9-1-1. He and I had been talking about promoting each others work and he mentioned this conference. It was promoted on Jabber Log and afterward he said it was too bad that Whitney and I couldn’t be there during the conference. Well, it just so happened that I was going to be in Florida so I attended and recorded four great episodes.
This episode features Al, a 12 year volunteer with Boca Raton 9-1-1. He recently turned 95 years old and had much to say about 9-1-1. It was a great conversation!
Episode topics –
- How Al became a volunteer
- The need for more 9-1-1 public education
- The need for more 9-1-1 training for dispatchers
And much more!
As always you can email the show at firstname.lastname@example.org and make sure to listen, share and visit The Cool Kids of 9-1-1 for more on the Mini-C!Post Views: 14
By Ricardo — 6 years ago
A good sense of humor is a quality that I look for in people. My sense of humor has always been outrageous and if you have been keeping up with my posts then you know first hand how true this is. I try to see the humor in everything really, but where did this come from? Has it been passed down through generations of family or was it a few specific family members that led the way? I think my entire family has a good sense of humor but there were a few people that really stood out. They helped mold my humor into what it is today. The two people I want to talk about are my Abuela (grandmother) Jimenez and my Tia (aunt) Paula. Both of these beautiful and humorous women made my family and I laugh constantly. It didn’t matter what was going on, they could turn it into a laugh fest. They were full of life and looked beyond the drama. This is what I loved about them.
My granny lived with my family and I from the time I was born and up until I graduated high school. There were little things she used to do that was hilarious and I think she got a kick out of our reactions. For example, my parents would head out for a church meeting and sometimes they wouldn’t return until 9 or 10pm. She knew that my parents wanted us in bed early but she would let us stay awake anyway. As soon as she heard them pull in she would yell at us to run and get into bed. I remember being startled many times and I would push my siblings out of the way so that I could get into bed first. As we ran to safety I could hear granny laughing her butt off at the sight of our panic. There were times where we would be raising hell and she would warn us a few times before saying something to the effect of, “It’s out of my hands” but in spanish. She was funny like that. If we learned a lesson the hard way she would make sure to remind us how we got to that point. On top of that, she really knew how to scare the little kids and I think she enjoyed doing it. Back when we were growing up my granny would buy a pig head in order to make tamales. I remember coming home from school one day and my sibling and cousins who accompanied us were griping about something. My granny must have had a hard day because she immediately told the younger kids that if they didn’t stop arguing that the “Pig Head” was going to get them in their sleep. I knew better and chuckled but the younger kids got quiet. After a bit they started up again and granny brought them into the kitchen and opened up the fridge to reveal a large pig head. They would scream and I think one of them even cried and granny had to hold back from laughing. I remember her yelling for them to behave. I would tell her that she was wrong and she would shrug her shoulders and continue making tortillas.
It’s hard to think of everything she did because there was so much. I also remember when I lived with my family in Florida and she would joke about hitting me. Now, at this time my granny was in her early 80’s. She would be in the kitchen making tortillas and I would walk in and jab her side. She would immediately throw up her rolling pin in defense and tell me that she would hit me if I did it again. I would laugh it off like a little kid and I would do it again. She gave me one final warning and on the third jab I got slapped in the arm and face with a towel that she picked up without me noticing. She would laugh and laugh and tell me that I deserved it and I did but it was so much fun to heckle her because she fought right back. She didn’t take crap from anyone. Another person who had a take no crap attitude while keeping her sense of humor was my Tia Paula. This women cracked me up like you wouldn’t believe. I mean, she used to call me huesos which is spanish for bones because I was so skinny when I was a kid. How could someone not laugh at that? She also called me “Caldo” which is a soup that has little meat, some veggies, and a bone for flavor. The dig on me referenced the fact that I was full of water combined with a little meat and bones like Caldo. She used to scare my younger cousins with the pig head like granny but she also used something that creeps me out even now. She used the ever popular Pennywise The Clown from Stephen King’s IT. I’m sure my cousins remember that clown and my Tia never called him by his name, she simply called him a payaso, which is clown in spanish.
“If you don’t settle down, the payaso is going to get you! You want me to put it on so you can see him?”
She used to yell that to the little kids when they were naughty. It was funny to hear her do this because you could tell that she wanted to laugh once the kids got scared. Now I know It seems harsh and cruel but it worked. It’s pretty funny when I look back at it now. My granny and Tia Paula would tell it like it is because there was no room for beating around the bush. If we were going to get hurt by doing something we were not supposed to they would tell us and with detail. It really made us think about what the consequences would be if we continued to jump around and act up. I do this now and it’s funny to see the reaction on my sons face. I don’t use the pig head or the payaso but I use detail to let his little mind imagine how bad the consequences can be if he doesn’t listen and behave. This is done with humor and I can thank my granny and Tia for it. Sadly, they have passed on but it’s their humor that sticks with my family and I. My Tia’s all have a piece of my granny with them and I see her humor come out in them at times. It’s something I love to witness because I can seem my granny in them. My Tia Paula has three children who are older than me but they all took care of me at one time or another because I was always with them. My Tia loved and spoiled me. I like to think of my relation to my cousins as the little brother they never wanted. I say this as a joke but seriously, they probably saw more of me than they wanted to back then. I try to visit them as much as I can because their humor is exactly like my Tia’s. The humor is crass, outrageous, and off the wall, just like my Tia. It’s why I love to be in their presence and I see her in all three of them. Thank you Abuela Jimenez and Tia Paula for always being you. Thank you for molding my personality and my sense of humor. You taught me that no matter how bad a situation can be, there is always a way to keep a smile on my face. Although I want to cry as I think about the both of you, I will do what you taught me. I will simply laugh…Post Views: 16